Choices, choices, choices

Being a parent, we need to make plenty of choices all the time. Which formula milk? Which brand of disposable diapers? In the first place, disposable or napkins? Is he eating enough? Should we give him more? Should he start eating meat? Can he eat fruits? I think I can go on and on...

Do we really know which choices are right and which choices are wrong? Being a father for almost a year now, I dare say you'll never ever know until afterwards. So, what do we do? Do we then do nothing? OR do we allow others to choose for us?

This morning as I was reading through the tweets of the people I follow, a friend, Ming tweeted this:

The only way not to make mistakes, is to not do anything. That in itself prove to be the ultimate mistake.

This makes absolute sense to me, because, although this may be a surprise to many of you, NOT doing anything is ALSO A CHOICE! I guess what my friend was trying to say is that if you don't do anything, yes, you may not make those 'mistakes', but some of the biggest mistakes like losing out on an opportunity, happens when we don't do anything.

Based on my observations over the years working with people being a trainer, many like to do NOTHING and think that it is safer. OR they think that because I'm not 'CHOOSING', I will not make any mistakes. I'll share some of these scenarios below...

Scenario 1 - I didn't do anything, its not my fault:

In an office environment, email is a very common form of communication. Mr. Safe receives an email from a his boss sharing the team's plan for the year. He spots some problem with the paln, but though to himself that to be safe, is to do nothing at all. Later that year, something goes wrong with the plan. Mr. Safe blames his boss, "My boss so stupid, he should've known that this will not work. Even I COULD SEE that there were problems with the plan. Now its ALL HIS FAULT that our team is f**ked and we're going to blow our budget for this year....its ALL HIS FAULT!"

Think again, was it the boss' fault? Probably yes. But was it ALL HIS FAULT? probably NOT! In this case, Mr. Safe thinks that just because he did not do anything, he is NOT responsible for the mistake. WRONG! Mr. Safe, being a member of the team, has a responsibility to ensure that the team is headed in the right direction and that the team achieves its goals. We must understand one thing, like I said earlier, NOT making a choice IS indeed a CHOICE! Mr. safe CHOSE not to do anything and hence he should ALSO be responsible for the mistake.

Saying this to Mr. Safe, he objects, "But my boss doesn't listen, even if I pointed it out in the first place, he would've shot me down and told me to mind my own business and he'll think that his plan is perfect! What am I supposed to do? I still think I did the right thing!"

Mr. Safe has a point, but it doesn't change the fact that he did not make any effort at all to save the team. This is what I'll suggest Mr. Safe can do. Present to his boss that there is a flaw in the plan, then suggest a solution (of course how you present this is also very crucial, perhaps I'll write something about communication in the near future). Be very objective and keep the team goals in mind. If for some reason, Mr. Safe's boss is so egoistic as to not listen. Then when the problem occurs later in the year, Mr. Safe can then say that he has done everything he could to prevent, and now we can then say it was more of the boss's fault now.

But is it ALL HIS FAULT? I really don't believe that any single event can be a result of one person's actions alone. I believe that everything that happens is contributed by many factors. In this scenario, perhaps Mr. Safe could have tried his second time telling his boss when signs of trouble began to emerge. If that didn't work, how about third time? Fourth? Fifth? In fact, there are still many other options in the corporate world that I'm not going to dwell into. Bottom line is this, Mr. Safe had a choice, not making one is also a choice.

Scenario 2 - They told me to, its not my fault, I didn't have a choice!

Ms. Safe goes for massage (professional ones). The masseuse was applying intense pressure and made Ms. Safe uncomfortable. She then told the masseuse to soften a little bit. The masseuse told Ms. Safe that this is the pressure that is good for her health, if the pressure is reduced, the effect won't be as good. Ms. Safe, though feeling the pain, decided to take the advice of the masseuse.

The next day, Ms. Safe was having body aches everywhere and started complaining, "That masseuse I'm telling you, really lousy! She pressed so hard and its causing me a lot of pain. That place is terrible." A caring friend asks, "Didn't you tell the masseuse to reduce the strength?" Ms. Safe yelled, "I DID! I told her that, but she won't listen, what choice did I have? She said that it was good for me, now clearly, she's wrong. I shouldn't have listened to her, now I'm aching all because of this lousy masseuse!"

Let's think carefully here, did Ms. Safe have a choice? She did make known to the masseuse that she wasn't comfortable, does that technically make her right? She decided to proceed with the massage with the masseuse's suggestion, Ms. Safe MADE A CHOICE!

Very often, I see people doing this. Because I used to do it a lot! I used to blame people for the choices they've made FOR ME...now when I think back again, I say to myself, WHAT?!?! What was I thinking, how can anyone make a choice for me? That is just absurd!

Having shared these 2 scenarios, I hope that you can see that we always have a choice. But more importantly, we are ALWAYS (and I mean it, always) responsible for our choices. Sometimes these choices don't look like choices because we choose not to choose or choose not to do. That very decision in itself is a CHOICE.

I would like to encourage everyone to try this. From now on, tell yourself that everything you do is a result of your own choices. What you eat, what you say, what you see, what you hear, what you want, what you buy, what you feel, what you believe, what you think, who you are and who you'll become. You will always have a Choice!

Have a great Sunday, I choose to spend time with my family, so although I have many other points I'd like to share about choices, I'll write them next time.

First Steps

My son took his first steps today. So far he has been able to walk while holding on to something for support. Today, for the first time, he is able take something like 6 or 7 steps unaided. One of the best moments in my life.

It really makes me think about how we all learn to do things. A lot of things that we know how to do today started off with uncertainty and struggles. We do a lot of things subconsciously, without really thinking about it. Actions like breathing, walking and sitting may never cross your mind until you consciously think about it.

Fortunately for us, this is a great system. Imagine if you have to think consciously how much pressure you need to apply on the toothpaste tube to squeeze out the right amount of toothpaste. Then you'll have to consciously coordinate your other hand, to make sure that the toothpaste land nicely on your toothbrush. Basically, this system of ours is working pretty well for us. Unfortunately, not all the time.

Today, not only did my son take his first steps, he had also gone through his first swimming lesson. I met this awesome swimming coach last week and he said he can teach young children, even below the age of 1 to learn how to swim. So we decided to let him learn this useful skill.

At first, he seemed a bit scared, because its the first time his head is fully submerged in water since birth. So I asked the coach if this is normal. He said, "whether or not he is scared depends on how us as adults or you as a parent reacts. A baby's nature is to experience new challenges everyday. If you react with fear, he'll learn that he needs to be scared. But if you react as though it is a normal thing, he'll learn that the challenges he is facing now is something normal he needs to breakthrough."

AHHA!! Being a trainer, I am very well aware of this concept. Nonetheless, it triggers me to want to write this.

Our brain programme works very well for us, but like I said earlier, not all the time. When a child falls down, a parent has many choices of response.
1) Run up to the child with a very worried look and say, "Oh no, are you ok? Are you hurt? You must be really scared of falling right now. Poor thing..."
2) Stay calm, put up a smile, look at the child and say, "It's part of the learning process, its okay, you can learn to get up and feel better!"
3) Look stern, military looking face and say, "Don't be a weakling, get up, be a man (not the way Russell Peters does it)"

Different responses will give the child different definitions to the fall.
1) I'm weak, if I fall, I should be hurt and I should just cry and wait for my mamee to come pick me up
2) Falling down is a natural learning process to enable me to stand up strong. I am capable of learning this and looking from the smile on my parent's face, I know that I have their love and support! I can do it!
3) Its wrong for me to fall. My parent doesn't love me when I fall. I should do everything right, if there is a chance of doing something that might go wrong, maybe I shouldn't even try.

Of course, the definitions and belief stated above are all hypothetical. Nonetheless, most of us develop some kind of belief that affects our behaviour one way or another. Based on plenty of studies done, most say that these believes are formed between the age of 0-7.

So this is it, a child's first step is very important. What's probably more important is the responses he gets when he takes those first steps. When I say first steps, it includes all experiences that a child gets doing something for the first time. We can of course think of many positive first steps, like the first steps my son took, the first time your child sits up straight, starts walking, running, talking and as they grow up even more, the first time going to school, doing math, sports, meeting friends, etc. Some of these great moments in life, we can be very positive and encourage with applause, smile and any action of recognition.

But how about the negative first steps? First time knocking his head on the floor, falling, bleeding, stung by a bee, barked at by a dog, etc. These may seem like negative moments in life, but if you have been falling me thus far, you'll understand that well, whether or not it is negative depends on how we as parents respond to it. I believe if we respond positively to some of these so called 'negative' events, the child MAY, and hopefully just learn that falling down is a natural event that we need to face in order for us to work towards our dream. That means, be persistent instead of giving up, focus on solving the problem instead of whining, be proactive instead of  procrastinating, or be strong-willed but not being stubborn.

Some might be thinking, so does that mean that I am doomed if I have a bad programme in my mind? Fortunately for us, as Virginia Satir says, anything that is learnt can be changed. So, good news! Nonetheless, it is still worth spending the effort to make sure that the 'first steps' are well taken cared of.

Discover the Superhero inside You

I was watching this Chinese TV show, 非诚勿扰 (check it out on their official site: http://fcwr.jstv.com/) last night and felt very strongly about something.

I began watching just about a week ago and the way they arranged the show mesmerised me. I love the twist and turn in the show. I love the opportunity to observe human behaviour in the show, very interesting for my line of work.

I then found out that the show began early this year, so I managed to find and watched the first episode. I dare say if I began watching from this first episode, I would definitely not be attracted at all. The pace was different, when to slow down to create suspense and when to speed up to get things going and keep things exciting. Generally, I noticed many details different.

The first thing that came to my mind was this. They tweaked uncountable minor details in the show to make it really interesting in a very short time. I guess this is due to the incredible pressure and competition in the China market.

I then reflected on my life and I realised something. For the past few years being a trainer, I have been changing little by little, becoming the person I want to be. Sometimes, we may not be able to do drastic changes, due to time constraint or lacking of resources. But I told myself this, no matter what happens, I must always work on at least 1 thing I wish to change and improve all the time!

The world is changing constantly. Our environment is changing constantly. If we don't change, we become outdated, expired and ultimately useless to the world. I believe we are all here for a purpose. So find your purpose like I have, and start making those little changes. You will then Discover the Superhero inside You.

My '1st' Post - Video Games...are they bad?

The 'first' lesson that has motivated me to begin writing again.

So, who likes to play some video games once in a while? I will have both my hands up, in fact, my legs too. I love video games. I used to not know why. Was it the gameplay, the violence, the storyline, or purely because I have nothing else better to do? It turns out that I was wrong.

Couple of years back, before I had a kid, I played a lot of video games, to a point Pik Yeng was upset with me playing games. And then there was this one day that I remember playing an entire day of video game, the game I loved playing then was a football game, because I love football (I'm an Arsenal fan btw, because of Dennis Bergkamp, his goal in the '98 World Cup against Argentina, I will forever remember that moment and my love for the game grew because of him). So, back to the main topic, I tend to like to drift away from the main topic, my training class participants and my wife tell me the same thing, I guess it is my nature, my mind tends to wander off to other...oops, here I go again. 

Really, back to the main topic, I remembered Pik Yeng seeing me play that game the whole day and she got really upset, she asked me why and I thought...I don't know? And then it hit me, I said...I feel like I am achieving something here...The game makes you win tournaments, then you can buy and bring good players to your team (obviously I was playing for Arsenal, once a Gunner, always a Gunner).  It was at that moment I realised, all my life, I love playing games because of the SENSE OF ACHIEVEMENT I get from the games!! It's not just because I love football, because I also love Mario, and recently, iPhone games too.

If you look around you (I look at myself too), people my play these iPhone games because they are fun. Or sometimes we tell ourselves we're just killing time, for relaxation. That can be true. But most of the time, you have people asking you...hey hey, what's your high score? And then we begin chasing each other's high scores, comparing and see who's better at which games. My believe is that we're not exactly competing, or perhaps competition exists naturally because we all want to fell that SENSE OF ACHIEVEMENT. I guess we need a benchmark to feel that we did achieve something. Imagine if I score 19k on DoodleJump the first time, I'll be thinking, wow, I made it THAT far! But once you check the global high score and see that people are scoring something like more than 100k and you think, what you did wasn't that great. It is always relative. So then we tell ourselves, those are probably crazy geeks (no offence to anyone, I consider myself a geek too) who's got nothing to do everyday but play that game. So you start comparing with your friends.

I think I can easily find many more examples to support the fact that people love playing games because of the SENSE OF ACHIEVEMENT that they are aiming for (you may want to check out this article I found "New Studies on Gamers". But that's not the main reason why I want to share this with everyone. The question now is...So? Am I suppose to not play games anymore? Because I now understand that I spend heaps of time on chasing that SENSE OF ACHIEVEMENT when there is really not an achievement at all (most would agree that winning in a video game does not bring food to the table, unless you want to be a professional gamer of course).

From my experience, I feel that often I'm using the games to help me find the SENSE OF ACHIEVEMENT that I am not finding in life. And I believe that is what the gaming industry is feeding on. Sometimes it does feel easier to achieve something in video games than life itself. My believe is that this occurs because many of us don't have a clear GOAL in life. Hence don't have that high-score equivalent to benchmark ourselves with. I feel strongly that it is vital that everyone find a goal in life, even a life mission so that you can then work out the steps you need to take to reach that goal.

I'll take my life for example. I recently got involved in starting my own company, a training consulting firm (Whealer Solutions). The name Whealer stands for World Healer, and that's something I really want to do, or at least have played a part to make this world a better place. With that in mind, I now create training programmes, train and do a lot of work in my company that helps me drive towards that mission of mine. I am getting so much SENSE OF ACHIEVEMENT from the things I do everyday that I no longer place much attention to games. My gaming consoles are kept somewhere in the drawers. Writing this blog is another thing that I decided to do that helps fulfil my life mission.

The next big question, does that mean that we should live in a world where there are no games? OF COURSE NOT! I Love Video GAMES remember?!?!?  It does sound like I am contradicting myself a little here, but the real difference for me now is that I am 100% aware of my choices. When I do play games, which I still do, I know very well that I enjoy the game more because of that SENSE OF ACHIEVEMENT, but I know this is a virtual one, it is unreal, the real achievements are the ones that truly make you happy. I am also very conscious about the time I spend playing, which is just enough to give me a bit of relaxation and fun, but not too much that I am wasting my time.

So what am I really trying to say here? If you are a gamer like I was, spending too much time on games everyday, try to do the following:

1. Find your passion and discover what your life mission is

2. Decide on things that you want to do that will help fulfil your life mission

3. Break the big picture into tasks that you can do everyday

4. Enjoy the SENSE OF ACHIEVEMENT from completing those tasks

If you are a concerned parent, or you have a loved-one who is facing this trouble, here's what I have to say to you. Appreciate what they are going through. Understand this, their actions (of spending too much time playing games) may be inappropriate, but get this, their intention (wanting to have the SENSE OF ACHIEVEMENT from playing those games) is a good sign that this person wants to achieve something in life. The most important thing is to help them divert the energy in to doing something more meaningful than playing games. Especially for children, either let them play games that are educational or create fun out of what you would like them to do and fulfil their desire of wanting that SENSE OF ACHIEVEMENT. You may also want to help them with the steps above, talk to them, ask them what their passion in life is, suggest something they can do to replace the time spent on games.

I may not be able to guarantee you that doing the above will make you feel better about your life. What I will guarantee you is that if you do get the SENSE OF ACHIEVEMENT from doing things that bring you closer to fulfilling your life mission, you are going to feel a SENSE OF ACHIEVEMENT that is totally different from the virtual one from playing games.

Conclusion is this, are games bad? NO! If you know that you are consciously playing for relaxation and fun, it is important to have balance in life too. But if you are playing without control, it can destroy your life. In fact, the question is not in the games, it is our choice of actions that determine whether playing video games is good or bad for us.

I hope you have enjoyed reading as much as I have enjoyed writing.

The New Reason...Why Blog?

It certainly feels awkward. Ever since I decided to begin writing a blog, I immediately found the reason not compelling enough to motivate me to write when I can be either doing some work (my primary business), or siting on a couch watching sitcoms or playing FB games. So what was the initial reason...it was to write the every little thing about the events that happen between us (Pik Yeng & I) and Rei Herng, our new born son. The idea was to write down how we feel as parents raising him and perhaps after 2 or 3 decades, when he gets married and have his first child, we can then share the link to the blog, like a present and allow him to read all about it.

Sounded good at first, because I imagine how thrilled I would be if I received such a gift from my parents. So why did I not find the motivation to do so? Like I said, soon after beginning to write, I no long find the reason meaningful. I thought to myself, if I do want to give my experience as a father as a gift to my son when he becomes one, I will tell him myself! Through all the learning in my line of work, training, especially while researching into great work of Virginia Satir, I want to have great communication with my son. I want to be able to share all my thoughts and feelings with him. I want to be able to tell him how I felt raising him. I want to be able to have open discussions about his choices, his future as well as my choices and my future. Bottom line is this, I want him to know me through me, not through a computer screen or any other forms of display that we will use in 20 or 30 years time.

So now what, give up on writing? Honest, I have never been much of a writer. Always have this limiting thought that my command of English is not good enough. Also, other limiting thoughts like, "who would want to read what's in my mind?" But hey, my life is owned by me and it is uniquely mine. In Virginia Satir's famous "My Declaration of Self-Esteem", she said, "I own me, and therefore I can engineer me" Understanding this has helped me appreciate other people's opinions and views, but not be affected by them.

I don't like writing, but I do love sharing things that I have learnt. Whether an idea is profound or simple, so long as it adds value to my life, I hope to share it and add value to others'. So this is my NEW reason to blog, hoping to contribute to this world in a way or two. This is my life mission.

Stay tuned if you are interested to see, listen or feel what I've gone through in life and hopefully you'll find something useful.