First Steps

My son took his first steps today. So far he has been able to walk while holding on to something for support. Today, for the first time, he is able take something like 6 or 7 steps unaided. One of the best moments in my life.

It really makes me think about how we all learn to do things. A lot of things that we know how to do today started off with uncertainty and struggles. We do a lot of things subconsciously, without really thinking about it. Actions like breathing, walking and sitting may never cross your mind until you consciously think about it.

Fortunately for us, this is a great system. Imagine if you have to think consciously how much pressure you need to apply on the toothpaste tube to squeeze out the right amount of toothpaste. Then you'll have to consciously coordinate your other hand, to make sure that the toothpaste land nicely on your toothbrush. Basically, this system of ours is working pretty well for us. Unfortunately, not all the time.

Today, not only did my son take his first steps, he had also gone through his first swimming lesson. I met this awesome swimming coach last week and he said he can teach young children, even below the age of 1 to learn how to swim. So we decided to let him learn this useful skill.

At first, he seemed a bit scared, because its the first time his head is fully submerged in water since birth. So I asked the coach if this is normal. He said, "whether or not he is scared depends on how us as adults or you as a parent reacts. A baby's nature is to experience new challenges everyday. If you react with fear, he'll learn that he needs to be scared. But if you react as though it is a normal thing, he'll learn that the challenges he is facing now is something normal he needs to breakthrough."

AHHA!! Being a trainer, I am very well aware of this concept. Nonetheless, it triggers me to want to write this.

Our brain programme works very well for us, but like I said earlier, not all the time. When a child falls down, a parent has many choices of response.
1) Run up to the child with a very worried look and say, "Oh no, are you ok? Are you hurt? You must be really scared of falling right now. Poor thing..."
2) Stay calm, put up a smile, look at the child and say, "It's part of the learning process, its okay, you can learn to get up and feel better!"
3) Look stern, military looking face and say, "Don't be a weakling, get up, be a man (not the way Russell Peters does it)"

Different responses will give the child different definitions to the fall.
1) I'm weak, if I fall, I should be hurt and I should just cry and wait for my mamee to come pick me up
2) Falling down is a natural learning process to enable me to stand up strong. I am capable of learning this and looking from the smile on my parent's face, I know that I have their love and support! I can do it!
3) Its wrong for me to fall. My parent doesn't love me when I fall. I should do everything right, if there is a chance of doing something that might go wrong, maybe I shouldn't even try.

Of course, the definitions and belief stated above are all hypothetical. Nonetheless, most of us develop some kind of belief that affects our behaviour one way or another. Based on plenty of studies done, most say that these believes are formed between the age of 0-7.

So this is it, a child's first step is very important. What's probably more important is the responses he gets when he takes those first steps. When I say first steps, it includes all experiences that a child gets doing something for the first time. We can of course think of many positive first steps, like the first steps my son took, the first time your child sits up straight, starts walking, running, talking and as they grow up even more, the first time going to school, doing math, sports, meeting friends, etc. Some of these great moments in life, we can be very positive and encourage with applause, smile and any action of recognition.

But how about the negative first steps? First time knocking his head on the floor, falling, bleeding, stung by a bee, barked at by a dog, etc. These may seem like negative moments in life, but if you have been falling me thus far, you'll understand that well, whether or not it is negative depends on how we as parents respond to it. I believe if we respond positively to some of these so called 'negative' events, the child MAY, and hopefully just learn that falling down is a natural event that we need to face in order for us to work towards our dream. That means, be persistent instead of giving up, focus on solving the problem instead of whining, be proactive instead of  procrastinating, or be strong-willed but not being stubborn.

Some might be thinking, so does that mean that I am doomed if I have a bad programme in my mind? Fortunately for us, as Virginia Satir says, anything that is learnt can be changed. So, good news! Nonetheless, it is still worth spending the effort to make sure that the 'first steps' are well taken cared of.